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Secrets from Your Spouse: To Tell or Not to Tell, a Common Marriage Issue



secrets in marriage and dating?Some say secrets in a marriage create a little mystery which is as essential to a long-term relationship as good sex, shared goals, and willingness of both partners to take out the garbage. And yet a common trend in today's "best pals" relationships is to reveal all to your partner. The institution of marriage seems to warrant a different set of rules when it comes to privacy. Often we give up this basic right in order to experience the increased intimacy we feel such self-disclosure will bring.

Whether you decide to tell or not to tell your innermost details to your spouse is ultimately up to you. Even very stable marriages can be shaken up by too much truth telling. The following are some suggestions for this common marriage issue–know what secrets will help your relationship and which ones could possibly damage it.

What Not To Do

1. Don't keep a secret that causes your relationship to diminish.

If you are not fulfilled sexually, then tell him carefully. One of the most common of all sexual problems, losing desire for your spouse, is also one of the most easy to solve. As careers are built and children are born, parents lose some of the sizzle they had earlier in their married life. Keep in mind that lack of a spark in your relationship is common for partners who have been married for a number of years. Be honest with your husband, but don't make him feel that he is doing something wrong. In the busyness of life, we all become lax in our appearance. One wife lost desire for his husband because he constantly wore the same sweater. Tell your husband that by changing a few small habits or behaviors he can improve your sex life. Plan a "date" one night a week, or go on a vacation.


2. Don't confuse a secret with its close relative–a lie.

The difference is a lie is deliberately withheld because of the fear or shame you may experience if it is known.

 Avoid Love Traps: "If you love me you will...." "If he truly loved me he would've..."

What To Do

Rules of Secrets in Marriage

1. Realize that privacy is a different matter entirely from secrets.

 A secret is concealed in a different way than privacy is withheld. Some things should remain private, even when you are married. It is up to you and your husband to decide.

2. However big or small, anything you have kept secret from your spouse which has been discovered needs to be resolved.

One young newlywed found a box of old girlfriend pictures in the back of her husband's closet. The thing that bothered the new wife was she felt if her husband was keeping these things secret, then he was holding back. In truth, he was just keeping the old pictures because they were meaningful. There is nothing wrong with keeping old mementos, but they shouldn't be displayed nor should they be too well hidden. The newlyweds resolved that the box should be carefully tucked away at his mother's house.

3. Resolve your sexual concerns long before you get married.

Because of the potential health risks associated with sexually transmitted diseases, you are entitled to know about your partners sexual history. You don't need to know details about sexual pasts, in fact it is wise not to know details, but you do have the right to feel safe.

4. Tell your spouse about your former lovers, especially if asked.

Some safe topics are who was your first kiss, crush, or date. These topics can deepen your relationship because they help your mate to know and understand you. If you reveal too much about your past sexual history your marriage and sex life will be damaged. You can't expect your spouse to feel confident while making love after you have just told him how hot an old flame was.

5. Understand that to remain sane, all people need some secrets.

Keeping some secrets help you preserve your individuality, and give needed space. Some mothers especially feel like an open book, with family members constantly wanting to know about her whereabouts and plans. Just make sure your intent is right. If you feel your spouse would not disapprove of your secret, or if it wouldn't hurt him or the relationship (if known), then you probably are okay.


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