Improving Your Sexual Communication in Marriage

Finding Time for Sex

Studies have shown that the more often couples have sex, the happier they feel about their marriage. The major reason couples give for not having sex as much as they would like is the lack of time. Consider the following ways you can find time for your sex life.

  • Make appointments: Some couples like to circle certain “sex dates” on the calendar.

  • Set aside time for each other: If you don’t like the idea of being obligated to have sex on a certain day or at a certain time, just specify a special time each week to spend together. You may end up having sex during this time—but not necessarily. For example, if you plan one weeknight as your night for each other, you will feel closer, more intimate, and possibly sexual.

  • Be sensitive to your spouse: Don’t pressure your mate to have sex. If one of you has other things on your mind that are troubling you, remember that there are other ways of being intimate. You can hug, cuddle, hold hands, and just be near each other.

Sexual Incompatibilities

According to Arond and Pauker in the book The First Year of Marriage, “When one spouse feels even slightly cheated—giving but not getting—feelings of frustration, hurt, and anger grow. Some people are able to ask for what they want sexually, yet others either don't feel comfortable voicing their sexual needs and desires, voice those needs angrily, or don't think they should have to articulate those feelings.” It is a mistake to think your spouse should automatically know what you want. Don't expect him or her to read your mind. 

Sexual Fantasies

Fantasies are a key to a person's inner thoughts, wishes, desires, and fears. Fantasy can play a positive role in marriage. Consider sharing certain fantasies with your spouse. For instance, if you have a fantasy about making love in the bathtub, tell your spouse. He or she may also find the idea appealing. Fantasies can help your sex life flourish.

Communicate about sex.

Sex is a hard subject to talk about. Many couples find it embarrassing to reveal so much about themselves. Talking about sex can be very helpful to your relationship if it is done correctly. Here are some more ideas:

  • Give your spouse positive feedback. What would you like, do you like, and did you like?

  • Show your mate what you want if that is less embarrassing than talking about it.

  • Listen to your spouse's ideas and fantasies. Say which ones you would like to try.

  • Talk about ways to improve your sex life when you are both feeling relaxed and comfortable—not when you are tense or in a hurry.


Arond, M. and S. L. Pauker, M.D. The First Year of Marriage

Scoresby, A. Lynn, Ph.D. The Marriage Dialogue